Held

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
 

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
-Natalie Grant, Held

Today...

Today was supposed to be a very different day.

Most of you know that we had no intentions of starting a family for quite a few years.

But God's plans were very different than ours.

On June 30, we got some shocking news. Life changing news. Only, at the time we had no clue how much it would change our lives.

2 lines. 1 word. Pregnant. What?! 2 trips to the store. Multiple retests and alot of tears later the joy set it. We were going to be parents. Our best friends and immediate family were the only ones to know. Today was the day we would share it with the world.

We went for our second visit at almost 10 weeks, and we heard the words that no parents-to-be want to hear.

"I am so sorry...Let me go get the Doctor..."

I won't go into all of the details of all of that day....but I will tell you one thing. That day and in the weeks following, my husband was a rock. I am still not sure how I functioned, but my husband was right there beside me every step of the way. I could not have asked for a better partner to walk through this with.

Now that we are on the other side of everything that had to be waited for and gone through, we are sorting through the emotional mess that is left. It is hard to talk about. How do you walk up to someone and say "Hey this happened to me". But I know that it is an important part of healing. It is now a part of our story, of our testimony.  My prayer is that God will use our pain, use this trial to touch the lives of others as they go through the same.

Through this journey, our lives have changed. Not in the way that we thought that they would, but once again-God's plans are always so much bigger and better than ours.  I am so grateful that He does not let my selfishness or stubbornness get in the way of His ways.

Back in the Saddle

This summer has had some incredible moments. I was blessed to lead a VBS and see over 15 children become new Christians. I went to camp and had a blast with 30 of my kiddos. I made new friendships, grew closer with old ones, went on a vacation and grew closer to my husband than I have ever been. 

But this summer has also been filled with what could be called some of the hardest times of my life.

I would not call it a "rollercoaster." It is more like a journey of faith. A daily mountain and valley climbing, sweating, hard work journey.

This journey is nowhere near over. Our little family of two is in the midst of these valleys as I type. But this weekend I have determined it is time to get back in the saddle. To put one foot in front of the other and keep living.

Yes, life is still going to be hard. Yes, I may still sit down and cry sometimes. But I get to start and end each day with a heavenly Father who makes promises to me that are beyond what I can fathom. And that is more than enough to keep persevering.

I have quite a few posts to share in the coming months about what the Lord has taught us in the past few months.  They will be long and won't be fluffy. But I can promise you one thing, they will be real.

You Can Have Me

Sidewalk Prophets- You Can Have Me

If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams

Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me, You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love You enough to let go

Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me, You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me, You can have me

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me

My Father, my love
You can have me

Talk vs. Walk

For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.  Colossians 1:9-12

I've been absent. With no apologies or regrets. My heart and mind have been heavy,dealing with thoughts and struggles far beyond what could ever be conveyed on a blog, especially when they are not fully worked out.

There are so many different things tearing at my heart, breaking me right now, changing my heart in ways I did not know possible.

The verses above have always been special to me. I have them on an index card, and pray them over my family-present and future- constantly.Today, as I was reading, the Lord placed the following on my heart...

In these verses, the Lord does not instruct us to simply pray for knowledge. We are not just to gain wisdom, to learn through reading (rather through His word, or through words He has given others to write).  He calls us to to more. He calls us to walk in a manner that pleases Him. He calls us to bear fruit, and to continue to attain His characteristics.

How many times do we read a book, talk about how much it taught us, only to put it down and pick up a book on another subject. How many times does a sermon shake our lives to the core, yet once we walk out the doors we do nothing to change our walk.  

And why? Why do we hold back? Fear? Of what? Are we afraid that someone may judge us? Or that it may be uncomfortable? Or even that it may radically change our lives? Is forsaking the King of Glory worth hiding from judgment or fear? Is our comfort worth running from our Heavenly Father?

We talk. Alot. But when will the walk begin to match up.