Held

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
 

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
-Natalie Grant, Held

Today...

Today was supposed to be a very different day.

Most of you know that we had no intentions of starting a family for quite a few years.

But God's plans were very different than ours.

On June 30, we got some shocking news. Life changing news. Only, at the time we had no clue how much it would change our lives.

2 lines. 1 word. Pregnant. What?! 2 trips to the store. Multiple retests and alot of tears later the joy set it. We were going to be parents. Our best friends and immediate family were the only ones to know. Today was the day we would share it with the world.

We went for our second visit at almost 10 weeks, and we heard the words that no parents-to-be want to hear.

"I am so sorry...Let me go get the Doctor..."

I won't go into all of the details of all of that day....but I will tell you one thing. That day and in the weeks following, my husband was a rock. I am still not sure how I functioned, but my husband was right there beside me every step of the way. I could not have asked for a better partner to walk through this with.

Now that we are on the other side of everything that had to be waited for and gone through, we are sorting through the emotional mess that is left. It is hard to talk about. How do you walk up to someone and say "Hey this happened to me". But I know that it is an important part of healing. It is now a part of our story, of our testimony.  My prayer is that God will use our pain, use this trial to touch the lives of others as they go through the same.

Through this journey, our lives have changed. Not in the way that we thought that they would, but once again-God's plans are always so much bigger and better than ours.  I am so grateful that He does not let my selfishness or stubbornness get in the way of His ways.

Back in the Saddle

This summer has had some incredible moments. I was blessed to lead a VBS and see over 15 children become new Christians. I went to camp and had a blast with 30 of my kiddos. I made new friendships, grew closer with old ones, went on a vacation and grew closer to my husband than I have ever been. 

But this summer has also been filled with what could be called some of the hardest times of my life.

I would not call it a "rollercoaster." It is more like a journey of faith. A daily mountain and valley climbing, sweating, hard work journey.

This journey is nowhere near over. Our little family of two is in the midst of these valleys as I type. But this weekend I have determined it is time to get back in the saddle. To put one foot in front of the other and keep living.

Yes, life is still going to be hard. Yes, I may still sit down and cry sometimes. But I get to start and end each day with a heavenly Father who makes promises to me that are beyond what I can fathom. And that is more than enough to keep persevering.

I have quite a few posts to share in the coming months about what the Lord has taught us in the past few months.  They will be long and won't be fluffy. But I can promise you one thing, they will be real.